If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine