If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup