The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Phones down.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
this makes me so uncomfortable
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]