Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

the noise i just made

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.