if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?