IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.