IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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“I FIXED IT!”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Van Gone
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.