@rorynotroy

if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy

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@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@bylinetd

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

@amphy1981

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@Douchekevin

I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

@Alex_N_Chains

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

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Only $139.95! Act now!

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.