if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’ve been drinking.
