if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
choose your fighter
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Single and childfree like Jesus
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO