Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.