Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Google Pay be like:

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from