Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

tourist season

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

He’s dead

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

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