Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.