Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camel dough

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”