Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
greetings!
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am