Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write