Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Employees must applaud the planets.

The asteroid..

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.