If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
WHY?!
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The French word for sex is croissant.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit