if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson