Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?