Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I camp so other people don’t have to.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’