if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

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Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.


Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.


I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.


Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?


Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.


*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*


interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there


me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most


“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!