if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*