911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
the greatest twitter interaction
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”