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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard


WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?


*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3


My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.


If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.


Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*



The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.


My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?