Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

selfie game

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.