If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1 – use commas
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there