Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

But I really needed water water water

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’