Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

Just say no

💀😭

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Truly one of the great bangers

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.