If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
🎵 I can’t wait to
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?