If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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#oldknees
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.