Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

is this how new cars are made??