Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees