Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

My dress code is business-casualty.

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

How it started: How it’s going: