Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

PER MY LAST EMAIL

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.