Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”