Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Anyone really

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what