Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

If only

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning