If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
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At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
being a writer on Twitter:
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.