If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’m too immature for adultery.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless