If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*