Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

It will always be this

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.