If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.