Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

I’d use my best pan on you.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

The asteroid..

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.