Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.