If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
iPhone X
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.