If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
i can’t wait that long
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Genius idea!!
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.