If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
January has been Januweary
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space