If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Guantanamo Bae
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month