Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.