If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
this is a sign that you need a union
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round