If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
I just love that new Pope smell.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.