Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

*serious situation*

My brain:

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??