If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
this is the news I live for
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.