If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye