Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.