If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing