If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?