Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy