If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Schrödinger’s cookie
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MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:![]()
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands