If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.

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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.


Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.


about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day


“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff


Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!


Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh


*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.


me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March


Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.


Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep