People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.