If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl