If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Monday
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*