Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

grandpa was shocked

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

this is 10/10 content no notes

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.