If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Guys which shade of gery should I get
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Not with that attitude
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
When the stylist spins you back around
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
“and how does that make you feel?”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur