If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
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Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me too door. Me too.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t