If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
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i feel so bad i refunded him
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
See..?
.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.