If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
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How wrong was this guy?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
2022 will be better than 2021
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.