If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
You Might Also Like
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I’m literally crying
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook