If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
You Might Also Like
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Thaw me like one of your french fries
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.