If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch