Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food