If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
You Might Also Like
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Bed should get ready for ME
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]