Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.