Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and