If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
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me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.