if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Can confirm.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.