Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.