If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.