If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
that lip filler tho
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.