If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
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I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”