Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

I hate my earbuds.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.