Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”