If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Canada has crack?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth