If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
You Might Also Like
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Guantanamo Bae